How did you feel IMMEDIATELY following your assault? Did you INSTANTLY know what was happening wasn’t right? Were you confused? Did you feel it was your fault? Did you want to immediately crawl into a hole because you felt the sun would never shine again? I did.
The morning I woke up after my assault, I had no idea what had happened. I knew I had been out drinking – the drunkest I’d ever been! My body felt like it had been drugged (not by my assaulter – who we will name John – but I have suspicions of another boy who was there). It took me almost a week for my body to feel “normal” again – whatever that means. My trips to the bathroom were less frequent, the weakness in my muscles was gone and the fog was slowly starting to lift.
I remember thinking about what had happened, the parts that I could remember. I had so many questions: how did I end up where I did, where did my friends go, and most importantly WHY? I knew John, we were friends. I trusted him.
I wasn’t even angry at first, because I still didn’t understand or believe what had happened, we were good friends, and he would NEVER put me in this position. I called him and asked him to meet with me, I asked what happened and he filled in my blanks – I wanted to die. Sitting across from him, I felt…different. Seeing him for the first time after is what started to validate my feelings that something wasn’t right. I looked at him completely differently, my skin crawled when he was near me, my stomach tightened and crawled into my chest and I truly think I stopped breathing until he was gone. All I got from him was that I seemed to be enjoying myself, until he gave me the SLIGHTEST omission of guilt – “I’m sorry, I should have just driven you home.”
After my conversation with John, I spent a long time reflecting on what happened, who I was as a person, and who I had been. I had been a girl who came from an unstable home. I had commitment issues years before from that unstable life, but I wasn’t that girl anymore, I hadn't been in so long – but I went back there. I allowed myself to believe that I was still that same broken girl who feared commitment and cheated. I felt like everything around me was crumbling and I was trying so hard to keep it all normal. I woke up every day and pretended that things were fine. I even carried on a friendship with John so my partner didn’t get suspicious if I just cut him out of my life. That was emotionally draining, a HUGE hindrance to my healing, and only bred feelings of guilt, doubt, shame, and worthlessness. Who does that? Who keeps someone who hurt them in their life? I can finally answer that now thanks to a wonderful therapist: someone who is trying to survive.
I researched story after story of sexual assault, what is normal to feel, and certain situations that are sexual assault but don’t necessarily look it. I was ALWAYS hung up on the narrative, “I was drunk and seemed to want it”, so I must have cheated, this is still a narrative I have to work on daily to not allow John any power over me, except now I have a wonderful support team of family and professionals that help quiet that narrative. Before I had that support team, it was hard. I was in a relationship with a man I thought I loved and was going to build a life with – but was keeping this secret from him. Finally, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I stumbled across a story very similar to my own that made me delve deep into the laws of my own province. In the province I live in, it is considered sexual assault if someone who is sober makes sexual advances toward an intoxicated person. I remember my Sexual Assault Navigator Therapist reiterating this to me at least five times a session, I would always respond with “but he said I wanted it”. Her response I think is what helped heal that narrative the most: “B, It doesn’t matter if you were naked and laid yourself across him and told him to take you now, you were intoxicated, he was not – therefore, it's illegal because you could not make a sound, rational decision and he took advantage of that.”
I knew what I was feeling was true and real. I knew my body reacted the way it did for a reason when John was around. My body and soul knew the truth, my brain was just taking its time catching up.
I knew deep down; I was not the same girl who came from an unstable home. I knew how much I loved my partner and would never do anything to jeopardize what we had. I knew I didn’t cheat on him. Someone I trusted and respected took advantage of me.
Trust in yourself – your body is programmed to alert you when something isn’t right. Listen to it. Your brain can get cloudy, it can make up narratives that don’t exist. Be cautious when you listen to it.
The guilt you are feeling is not yours to carry. The guilt belongs to the person who hurt you.
Exercise
If you have a repetitive narrative living in your head that places the blame on you, read the following sentences or make up your own that fits your story. Repeat your sentence every time that narrative creeps in for as long as you need to.
Were you out later than you should have been, and this happened? We have all stayed out past curfew, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be assaulted, nor is it your punishment. Staying out too late is not the reason you were assaulted.
Were you like me? Did you drink too much? We should ALWAYS be careful when we are out in a public setting drinking, but that doesn’t mean it's your fault because you let yourself live a little. Being drunk is not the reason you were assaulted.
Were you dressed provocatively? Good for you love! I hope you felt beautiful, strong, and confident in that outfit. I hope you will learn to feel beautiful and confident again and know how strong you are in overcoming this. Dressing provocatively is not the reason you were assaulted.
Were you flirtatious? Some people are flirtatious by nature, and it is part of what makes them, them! Being your authentic self, or flirting with someone is NOT an invitation for more. Being flirtatious is not the reason you were assaulted.
Whatever reason is going through your mind right now that is making you believe it’s somehow your fault. I can promise you it is not.
There is ONE reason and ONE reason alone that you were assaulted; because a person failed to learn right from wrong. A person failed to learn respect. A person failed to understand the equality between women and men. A person failed to understand YOUR body is YOURS alone and NOT theirs. That person is the reason you were assaulted.
…as always, I BELIEVE YOU!
In love, light & solidarity,
B.
*Disclaimer: I am NOT a Registered Psychologist, Sexual Assault Navigator Therapist or hold an accredited certification for mental health support. This is simply my journey and my journey alone that I hope will help fellow survivors feel supported*