February 4th marked 1825 days - 5 years - half a decade - since a former close friend consciously chose to violate my body. So much healing has happened in the last 5 years, but I am also surprised at how raw the pain still is, and how deeply that one act changed the essence of my being.
My life was forever changed that night. Here is the good, the bad, and the ugly of how that night has impacted the last 5 years. It is raw and extremely personal; society needs to understand how devastating sexual assault is and how long the effects last.
The Good
My experience has made me passionate about SA, victim-blaming attitudes, and changing the culture surrounding sexual assault and survivors.
That same passion led me to do an Advanced Major on The Impact of Secondary Wounding on Young Adults Following a Sexual Assault during my Nursing degree, which was eye-opening, deepened my passion, and will likely provide robust research in the future as I plan to pursue the research study at a later date.
I will be pursuing my dream of becoming a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner, so survivors - hopefully - will have less of a chance to experience secondary wounding, compounding their trauma and complicating their healing. This also provides me the opportunity and knowledge to educate law enforcement, as well as other healthcare providers on Trauma-Informed care and the impacts of secondary wounding and victim blaming.
I am now a huge advocate and ally for any individual who has had to experience sexualized violence.
The amount of pain and trauma this one night has caused me has been excruciating, however, that trauma has allowed me to find beauty in the most simplest of things. Although it wasn't a smooth journey to get to this point, if the assault didn't happen, I wonder if I would have found this mindset on my own, or if I would still be the pessimistic person I was prior.
I received free therapy through Avalon Sexual Assault Center with NO hurdles to jump through. They truly made me feel at home, from the moment I walked in the door. I have truly never felt so loved by strangers.
One of my dear friends of 3 years became my confidante after my assault was outed. Now, he is my husband :)
The Bad
I lost one of my best friends (my assaulter).
My boyfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me when he found out
....then told everyone I cheated on him.
I still had to see my assaulter at work.
I created the narrative that I was in love with my assaulter because cheating on my partner was easier to accept than that awful 4 letter word happening to me.
I have a physical and visceral reaction when I hear the 4-letter-word "rape". I have never identified with this word because I don't feel like my assault was "violent" enough. Not only does this narrative hinder my healing and growth, but adds to the existing culture that "rape" is only when a stranger attacks you aggressively, and violently with the survivor screaming and fighting. Rape is also many other scenarios that are much less violent, but equally as traumatizing. Therapy has taught me it is okay not to identify with this word, but it is important to understand it is still what happened, even if I choose not to use it myself.
My body freezes and anxiety takes over if I see his make/model of car. It has never been him, and I have not laid eyes on him since 2019, yet somehow he is still everywhere.
The Ugly
I lost "me" ...still trying to find pieces of her.
He took away my ability to trust.
I had to mourn the loss of my best friend...who was also my assaulter (just THINK about that mind*#k for a moment..it is real!)
I have lost every ounce of my confidence and self-esteem. Because of that, I see and hear myself being insecure around friends and coworkers. Constantly thinking I am a burden to everyone and "tolerated" because there is no way anyone could want to be friends or spend time with me,
My anxiety is to the point that it is easier for me to stay home.
I am uncomfortable around most men who are not my husband.
Intimacy is different now. I feel different, I often struggle to connect emotionally during intimacy due to an emotional block that developed shortly after my assault. Many attempts have been made to try and break through this block with little to no success. I so desperately miss what intimacy felt like before my assault.
I have never shared this blog personally or promoted it out of fear people would find out who it was and choose not to believe me. That 'shame' and 'blame' is so hard to shake.
It has been 5 years, and while I have healed and grown in many ways. There are still days filled with shame, guilt, disgust, and as if the assault happened 5 days ago, not 5 years ago.
5 years ago, the course of my life changed completely. My assault ruined my relationship but helped bring my husband and I together. My assault played a hand in the retirement of my career, yet gave me passion and purpose for a new one. My assault left me emotionally broken, with still a long way to go in falling in love with ME again, however, it gave me the opportunity to truly start learning who I am, what I will accept, and what I will not. I am slowly building and finding myself again, and I cannot wait to meet the version of me who is confident and in love with herself.
Thank you for allowing me to express and share my truth.
In love, light & solidarity,
B.
*Disclaimer: I am NOT a Registered Psychologist, Sexual Assault Navigator Therapist or hold an accredited certification for mental health support. This is simply my journey and my journey alone that I hope will help fellow survivors feel supported*