I know everyone has been waiting for this post and honestly, I thought I had already posted it...2 years ago.
In my first post, I mentioned confiding in a friend - let's call her Jane - about my assault who then in turn decided to tell my partner as some strange form of vengeance because of drama surrounding my partners work place. Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, you are correct to feel bewildered by that last statement.
So, while this situation caused immense heartache and pain and almost ruined my life, I recognize how batshit crazy this story is, so make yourself a drink, the stronger the better because you will need one after this.
Let's start at the beginning. It was the beginning of 2019 and my partner was working at a membership-based facility. He came home one day and told me about a married couple who are members and he thinks she and I would get along well. I am pretty guarded when it comes to making friends due to previous trauma, but was open to a friendship if it happened organically. We ended up adding each other on social media and she reached out after I made a post that resonated with her. We chatted briefly and that was it.
At some point in March, she texted me, I believe my partner gave her my number, but I'm not sure - little details are not my strong suit. I remember her messages often being quite long, FULL of emoticons and her energy was palpable through text.
I mentioned it to my partner and he said, "Oh yeah, she is crazy and super hyper all the time." Hindsight: should have taken his use of the word crazy more seriously...
I had an uneasy feeling in my stomach when I first started talking to her, but I chalked it up to the fact that meeting new people was daunting for me, and I think I was intimidated and intrigued by her positivity. She was so bubbly and happy all the time, and I had a deep dark secret, was trying to survive, and felt like the biggest pessimist.
We became good friends quickly, texted daily, took our dogs for walks together, had play dates with our pups, celebrated holidays, and had each other over for dinners. She was in her 30's and married. I was only in my mid 20's but was always an old soul, so I enjoyed finally having an older couple to hang out with.
There were times when I still felt that uneasy feeling, however, we had become such good friends, and I knew it was just my own insecurities and trauma, so I quieted them. Throughout the summer her relationship with her husband seemed to shift, while at a friend's gathering she called me in tears because she believed her husband was cheating on her. She had found him on a dating website and was absolutely devastated. She had gone away for the weekend and was about 3 hours away, I offered to drive down and bring her home, and we offered her our spare bedroom and anything else she may have needed.
She spoke to her husband about the dating website and he told her that he made an account as a 'social experiment"...yep, you read that right. He was a bigger guy and claimed he wanted to prove that women will always go for a more athletic-built guy than a heavier-set guy. WHAT? Except I am fairly certain he did not have a second account posing as a super fit dude, so you can make of that what you will. She told me she did not believe him, but she stayed, and who am I to judge? I remained a friend who was there for her when she needed one.
One day in July, we were at a local trail with our dogs. The conversation was deepening and she confided to me that she had been a victim of sexualized violence. I hummed and hawed about finally sharing my secret with her. Maybe it would help her feel less alone. I immediately felt that uneasy feeling and something told me not to say anything, so I didn't.
Things were still not great at home after she had found her husband on the dating site, so she went back to her hometown a few hours away to give them some separation. Our communication at this point had dwindled but given all that she was going through, it made sense. Once she returned home, I went to her house with 2 or 3 garbage bags of clothes I was getting rid of as she didn't work and money was often tight and she told me about a job offer she had been given, and this is where I started to see the cracks...
Her job offer was completely and utterly too good to be true. An older gentleman in his late 40s or early 50s had lost his wife and was in need of a nanny. Apparently, most other nannies did not last very long because this child was difficult. Did I mention he was also filthy rich and apparently gorgeous? I cannot remember what her salary was going to be but it was something outrageous. She told me that he was going to call her apartment complex and get an underground corner parking space (they are coveted!) since it's the only one her SUV would fit into and he didn't like the thought of her parking outside or clearing off her SUV in the winter. If the SUV didn't fit, he would buy her a new one. What?
Of course, the "difficult" child absolutely adored her and she was going to be going on all of the family trips, cruises, etc - I think she was delirious. She never did start in any nanny position.
Her husband soon came into the room with wine and charcuterie, when he left, she told me that he is sucking up and trying to be on his best behavior out of fear she will walk out on him. I inquired about her time home, she informed me that she cheated on her husband with some guy, and essentially spent the entire time home shacked up with him. She told me her husband knew, and he accepted all of the blame for her indiscretions.
At this point, the wine was quickly going to my head, and when she opened up about such a personal, vulnerable situation, I chose to tell her about my assault. I explained that originally I thought I had cheated (see older blog posts) and explained the whole situation. She asked me if my partner knew, and encouraged me to tell him saying I would feel much better if I did.
That was the last time I ever saw her because over the next 30 days, she tried to ruin my life.
Fast forward a couple of weeks into September, there was some drama going on at my partners' work regarding a couple of other employees (my partner had no involvement whatsoever). One of these employees decided to leave the company which for some reason, Jane seemed to take personally. She and her husband decided to end their membership with the company, but unfortunately, they were locked into a contract. The owner gave them 2 options: pay out your contract (which they likely couldn't afford), or finish your contract which I believe had like 4-6 months left on it. She became irate, made several inappropriate remarks about the owner's family, and truthfully, seemed like she had just lost it. Everyone was shocked, no one knew where this was coming from, so I decided to reach out to her because this behavior was concerning to me. I was very kind and polite, and explained that I was not judging, only coming from a place of love and concern. I mentioned the comments she made about the owner's family because the woman I knew would never make such comments and asked her to really think her decision through because I did not want to see her do something she was going to regret. I cannot remember what she said back, but I remember the tone and she was not happy with me.
Things escalated over the coming weeks with her and my partners' place of employment. They had to get the company lawyers involved, a cease and desist was implemented from the company's end and she created a private hate group about them. None of it made any sense, so my partner and I decided it would be in our best interest - especially where he was still employed there - to distance ourselves from them. We had already reached out to them to try and help and were constantly met with silence. It was clear to us that there was no coming back from this, and the friendships were over. It was a Tuesday, and that evening we chose to remove them from our social media platforms.
On Wednesday morning I woke up early as I had to be at work at 8:30. My partner was already up sitting on the couch on his phone. When I went into the washroom, he said, "The levels Jane is stooping to because she is mad at *company name* is absolutely insane. She is trying to bring you into it now." I laughed, and said, "Oh yeah, what is she saying?"
I remember it like it was yesterday, I think the blood drained from not just my face, but my whole body. From the living room, he says, "She texted me at 5:30 this morning and said, 'you may want to ask your girlfriend who she had sex with at her Christmas party'."
I don't even remember what I did next. I don't know what I said. Next, I hear my partner say "don't worry about it babe, it's not like I believe her, she is just making shit up because she is crazy." I had two choices. I could tell him the truth - the actual truth, or I could continue lying since he didn't believe her anyway, but that isn't me. I cannot lie.
I said, "she isn't making it up, but it is not what you think." I told him everything, he was supportive until he found out who my assaulter was. You can read more about this part in a previous blog.
I texted Jane: "What did I ever do to you to possibly deserve this?"
Her reply: "Who is this?"
Jane has had me blocked on all social media since that dreadful Wednesday because she is unable to face her truth. Jane is a classic narcissist who cares for no one but herself, she runs around hurting people without a second thought. It is unfortunate that it took me so long to see that.
I do know that she and her husband separated, she fell "in love" with another man in 5 minutes and immediately immersed herself in his family calling herself "stepmom" to his child instantly. Then, in the blink of an eye left that family and is back with her husband.
I try very hard to not hate people and instead try to understand why people do the things they do. Instead of hate, I often feel sorry for people like Jane, and hope that they eventually find what makes them happy, or get the help they need.
If you feel this way about Jane, then you are a bigger person than I am because I have no empathy or sympathy for her. She is a calculated, manipulative narcissist who knows exactly what she is doing.
I can honestly say, I hate her, but I sleep like a baby at night with a clear conscience.
Now, I need a glass of vino!
In love, light, and solidarity,
B
*Disclaimer: I am NOT a Registered Psychologist, Sexual Assault Navigator Therapist or hold an accredited certification for mental health support. This is simply my journey and my journey alone that I hope will help fellow survivors feel supported*