I did not realize I was gone for over a year. When my sexual assault navigator told me I should start a blog, I did not realize how mentally draining it was going to be. I think I tried to start it too soon after my assault - but another year has come and gone, A LOT has happened, but I feel more healed, and I am now ready to talk about things I wasn't ready to a year ago.
I remember when news of my assault leaked, I had mere hours to prepare myself for people's questions, assumptions, advice, and judgments. I was nowhere near ready to disclose what happened to friends and family, but I knew my timing had run out.
Like other survivors, I only had one thought...
Will they believe me?
Why was this my first thought? Because we live in a society where sexual assault survivors are blamed for what happened to them.
I thought a lot about what I would do if people did not believe me.
What I did not think about, was how people's reactions and responses to my assault could and would cause detrimental effects on my healing.
So, what is secondary wounding?
'Secondary wounding’ refers to insensitive victim-blaming treatment, minimization of events, stigmatization, denial, and controlling attitudes when someone discloses their assault.
When a survivor's disclosure of sexual assault is met with disbelief, minimization, questioning, judgment, stigmatizing, etc, their journey to healing and recovery becomes detrimentally hindered. Survivors describe secondary wounding as being traumatized all over again, often describing it as "the second rape".
Secondary wounding often causes increased rates of depression, substance abuse, intense internalized shame and blame, loss of autonomy, emotional dysregulation, risky sexual behaviour, anxiety, and PTSD.
Not all secondary wounding is intentional. Often time police and law enforcement are the main perpetrators of secondary wounding. However, family and friends may also be responsible for your secondary wounding with their well-intentioned comments.
I would like to share my experiences with secondary wounding.
My partner at the time chose to believe I cheated on him and walked away from our relationship. This made me second guess everything about my assault and made me weary to disclose it to any other loved ones. I knew my truth, but in such a vulnerable situation, it was easy to question what was truly real. If my own partner didn't believe me, who else would?
The day my partner found out, my dad asked me to lunch. I knew I was going to have to tell him because I could not hide how much of a mess I was. When I disclosed this to him, it was immediately apparent he was skeptical. I remember the visceral feeling that coursed through me at that moment. Pure heartbreak. He then asked me if I had been drinking, how much I had been drinking, and how was I truly sure that I didn't provide consent. I explained to him that this is not how sexual assault works. I left that lunch feeling absolutely broken and alone. I do have to give my father credit. A couple of days later he showed up on my doorstep apologizing for how he reacted. He said he went home that day and started researching when he came across the '#MeToo' movement. He read testimonies and stories exactly like mine and he understood...it was not my fault. He educated himself and opened his mind, which is all I could ever ask. Unfortunately, the reaction still happened, and the shame, guilt, and blame had already set in and had a hold.
My mother surprisingly remained silent about the whole thing. I remember telling her and not being overly surprised by her reaction, but I was surprised by her lack of support or willingness to discuss it after my disclosure and her change in demeanor whenever it got brought up. While that was hurtful, I just assumed she didn't know how to handle it. About a year ago, she came to visit me and finally broke her silence, but not in the way I wanted. She said to me, "I just have one question that I have always wanted to ask, but wasn't sure how you would react. Why did you not press charges?" While this is a valid question that I am sure many people wondered, it is a form of secondary wounding, and is no one's business why I chose not to press charges. There is a myriad of reasons why I did not, and I do not expect anyone to understand them. Asking that question implies judgment for not filing a police report, and that is not the type of support a survivor needs.
My last experience with secondary wounding is one I have been holding back from sharing for far too long and easily the most detrimental. It still makes me angry to relive it and part of me still wants to lower myself to his level, and out him for what he did, to let his 'patrons' see him for who he really is...but as the great Michelle Obama said,"when they go low, you go high". I believe that justice will be served in its own way. After my partner left, his best friend messaged me and said he was taking him out to lunch to "talk some sense into him" over the weekend. I assumed at this point he had heard the news so I expressed that I do not deserve to be with someone who is going to walk out on me in my darkest moments and that there was no need for him to try and get my ex to come home. The assault was news to him. He was gracious at first, but when he found out I had no plans to leave my job, he switched. I made good money, I loved what I did and I shouldn't have to quit my job because of someone's poor judgment. He proceeded to tell me that if I do not quit my job, then I am lying about my assault and must have cheated, because who could continue working with someone that hurt them? As if sexual assault is black & white. He continued to tell me that his wife went through a similar experience and he dropped everything to fly across the country, be with her and move home and because I was doing none of that, I wasn't assaulted. The damage and suffering he caused me, I can barely begin to describe. My opinion of this man is on par, if not worse than the individual who assaulted me. I am still working through the trauma his response caused me, and likely will for a long time to come.
If someone decides you are who they wish to disclose their assault to. PLEASE be kind, do not question them, do not ask them to recount the assault in detail, and do not place judgment. Nothing an individual does or says warrants their body and soul to be violated. To prevent secondary wounding, actively listen to survivors, offer support, ask what they need, and leave your own biases at the door. Most importantly, BELIEVE THEM!
....as always, I BELIEVE YOU!
In love, light & solidarity,
B.
*Disclaimer: I am NOT a Registered Psychologist, Sexual Assault Navigator Therapist or hold an accredited certification for mental health support. This is simply my journey and my journey alone that I hope will help fellow survivors feel supported*