Wow, it has been a minute - okay, almost 3 months - since my last post. I had planned to do this every week, yet I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. Behind the screen is still a woman who has never outed her assaulter - except to those closest to her. I still have a very real fear that when and if he is outed - I won't be believed. This is one of the BIGGEST narratives I think women who have endured assault go through (at a later date, I have a whole post dedicated to it). I can admit, I am just not there yet. Someday, I hope I won't care if people find out and choose not to believe me, but that day is not today. The last post, we talked a lot about narratives and the things we come up with in our minds to survive and get through the tough stuff. Through the coping skills I was taught in therapy, I discovered one of the biggest narratives I created for myself after my assault - I was in love with him. Seems crazy right? As my therapist says, "you do what you need to do to survive". I believed this narrative for a few months and it was heartbreaking and emotionally draining. I was constantly second-guessing every decision and feeling I was having in regard to my partner while trying to keep up this insane facade. I was in turmoil. It must have been a nightmare for my partner to deal with - I was irritable, defensive, and cold. I allowed this to be my narrative for a few months, but the uneasy, sickening feeling I had when John was around never let up, and eventually, it took over and I listened to it. The magnitude of what really happened sunk in. I've done a lot of reflecting as to why I came up with this narrative in the first place and I think the answer is pretty simple for me: if I loved him, then I cheated and I wasn't assaulted. Anything is better than being assaulted right? I think at the time, cheating on my partner was an easier notion to accept than being violated, and clearly - for my partner - believing I cheated was easier to accept than admitting he did not want to be in the relationship anymore. It saddens me that cheating was the scapegoat in our relationship and making one of us - me - the bad guy was easier for him instead of being honest with his feelings...but everything happens for a reason. Whatever narrative you have created in your mind, is okay! You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself - to survive. However, these narratives can compound and cause more pain and anguish than what it's worth. Try to identify the narratives you have created. Is there truth to them, are they a facade? Try to work through them, it's hard and can be painful, but it's also very healing. I had a lot of pain and emotion when I was believing I loved two people. Was I making the right decision to stay with my partner when I *thought* I loved John? Imagine if I left my partner to be with John - the thought makes me sick to my stomach! I never loved John and I am so thankful and grateful I quieted that narrative before I let it cause any more harm. They can be hard to identify, but listen to your body - it tells you what it needs. I am so thankful my body reacted every time I was near John, it's what made me realize I believed a fallacy. as always...I BELIEVE YOU!
In love, light & solidarity, B.
*Disclaimer: I am NOT a Registered Psychologist, Sexual Assault Navigator Therapist or hold an accredited certification for mental health support. This is simply my journey and my journey alone that I hope will help fellow survivors feel supported*