A few people have reached out since my last post and had a lot of questions regarding my separation from my previous partner. Specifically, if I am still angry and hurt by his leaving, if I am not, how did I overcome those feelings, and have we or are we in communication now? I never intended on ever addressing this, because I didn't think it mattered; however, I see now that it does, because there are so many people in similar situations and for that, I am so sorry. It is heartbreaking when someone you love, chooses not to believe you and walks away.
Firstly, I do feel the need to point out before I delve deep into this topic, that our relationship was not perfect - no one is, but what I mean is, if he didn't leave then, one of us probably would have within six months. The expiration date of our relationship had
long passed, but I think we kept it going because it was comfortable, but no one ever wants to admit that when they are with someone. I think this needs to be said because I think it plays a relatively large role in his decision.
So, we know what happened - he found out, chose not to believe me, and left. I was hurt and angry for a while, but I was also in saving mode trying to salvage my relationship. But you know what? Deep down inside, I didn't want to save my relationship. I was doing it because that's what you do, right? Someone decides they don't want you, so your natural instinct is to try to make them want you.
He continued to live in our apartment, while I slept in the spare bedroom (that probably made me the maddest). Two weeks after he decided he was going to leave, I went home for a family holiday - that was EVERYTHING I needed. Those five days away offered me clarity and perspective. I was still hurt and angry but realized I deserved so much better than someone who would walk away when I needed them the most - AND YOU DO TOO!
I returned home and no longer cared about trying to make him change his mind. If he did, I'd think about what that meant for me, if he didn't, I'd still be okay. That all sounds horrible, right? Eff him, right? Don't get me wrong, it SUCKED, but I am still here. Breakups are never easy, no matter what the circumstances are.
About eight months to a year after this happened, I had one of the biggest moments of growth. As I was sitting around with friends, one of them brought up his leaving and checked in on how I was doing. Being the lovely friends they are, they all started chiming in with relatively hateful remarks (can you blame them?), but I realized in that moment, none of the things they were saying about him were true. Was he an asshole? Maybe the MOVE he made was asshole-y (that's a word, right?)...but he and his character were and are not. The person I fell in love with was kind, caring, considerate, open-minded, and selfless. The person who left me, SEEMED selfish, closed-minded, cruel, and self-absorbed. So what changed? What happened to make this man seem different?
I happened.
The same way I became stand-offish, confrontational, irritable and lord knows what else; when two people are not meant to be together, they will bring out the worst in each other. I had hoped we never got to that point, but we did. Those traits are not me, and I hope the same way I realize that about him, he understands that about me. I am a kind, loving, compassionate and empathetic person, but in the wrong relationship, those traits can be shadowed. By the time our relationship ended, I was SO resentful about many things and I couldn't hide it any longer. I can only imagine my attitude and resentment caused him to check out. My assault was an out for him. Does it suck he used that as an out, OF COURSE! Do I blame him...not entirely, The empath in me can understand his perspective - I felt stuck too. I wish he hadn't chosen to believe I cheated, I wish he could have owned his feelings and told me he was done, but that he believed me and hoped I could get the help and support I needed. It still would have sucked but it sucks, even more, knowing he ran around and told his friends and family I stepped out on him when I didn't - that tarnished my character.
Alas, we cannot change the past.
As for today, we have not spoken since our separation except to tie up loose ends, regarding our living arrangements and personal belongings, and I am okay with that. We have both moved on and I hope he has healed from our relationship, and I hope he is happy. I wish him and his new partner absolutely nothing but the best. When you are with the right person (or HAPPILY SINGLE!!!) you are your most authentic self, and your most authentic self is AMAZING.
For those wondering, I am not entirely sure how I got to this point. I think finding the love of my life helped. As cliche as it is, the quote is right, it made me realize why it didn't work out with anyone else. It also took a lot of self-reflection and understanding of my true essence. I do not want to be hateful. I love hard, I love fiercely, and I love LOVE! and I do not want that to ever be shadowed by hate, nor do I think he deserves to be hated. As I stated earlier, our relationship went on longer than it should have. We probably shouldn't have made it past the one-year mark, let alone two and a half. I am not convinced we were in love with each other when we separated. I think we both had a lot of love for each other, but that is very different. That would make his decision to leave, a lot easier and I can understand that.
Every relationship is different. Even though my ex and I had a lot of issues, it doesn't change the betrayal I felt when he was comforting me and I said the name of my assaulter. I will never forget how rigid and tense he became as I spoke his name - because he immediately decided I had cheated. So, I still feel you, I still grieve with you. If you had a wonderful, healthy relationship and your partner walked away - your situation is very different than mine, and I pray it is a first-reaction decision, and with time, processing, and perspective, they will return and you can work through it. If your partner chooses not to return, please see this as a moment of growth for you and a moment of immaturity or closed-mindedness for your partner. I remember after my ex told me he was leaving, I read the most wonderful article, detailing how not everyone has the capability of viewing or dealing with extreme situations with a mature mind. It stated if your partner walks away from you during a time like this, it signifies they are not mature enough to handle that catastrophic of an event...that was mind-altering for me in the healing process.
At the end of the day, you need to remember, what another person says and does, is not a reflection of you. YOU have been through a trauma. YOU are the victim, NOT your partner. YOU deserve to be supported. YOU deserve to be heard. YOU DESERVE TO BE BELIEVED.
I BELIEVE YOU!
In love, light & solidarity,
B.
*Disclaimer: I am NOT a Registered Psychologist, Sexual Assault Navigator Therapist or hold an accredited certification for mental health support. This is simply my journey and my journey alone that I hope will help fellow survivors feel supported*