It strikes me funny that after stepping away from this blog, I felt called back to it a few days after the 4 year anniversary of my assault. I left this blog about 10 months ago after feeling as though I was still holding back pieces of my story. There is certain information about my assault that I will not share, and I am okay with that, but it seemed more than that. I took a step back to focus on school and other aspects of my life and without realizing, stopped putting much, if any, energy into my sexual assault trauma.
It all caught up to me...
Last night, while I was in a SAFE, yet vulnerable position, the flood-gates opened. The shame, guilt, disgust, devastation, hopelessness and all other feelings one has following an assault came rushing back. It felt as though I had never connected to those feelings before. I had told loved ones how I felt after my assault, but now I am unsure if I truly felt it, or said I did because that's what the textbooks say I am supposed to feel.
Truthfully, for MONTHS after my assault, I felt nothing.
I was numb.
But last night...I felt it all.
Every place his hand touched, burned.
I was nauseous.
I was suffocating.
I stood in front of my mirror and sobbed until my tears hid my body from me.
I screamed into the darkness that I will not let him have this power over me anymore.
So, I repeated:
"I am free; your hands no longer bound me.
I am free; my body was never yours.
I am free, from you.
The shame I feel, is your shame,
the guilt I feel, is your guilt,
the disgust I feel, is your disgust.
I am free of your feelings."
I repeated these until all of those feelings began to lessen, and I felt lighter.
I sat with this all day wondering if it was a breakthrough or a breakdown. How come after 4 years it felt like I had never dealt with my assault at all? Because there is no 'one-great-breakdown' and you are healed.
Because this journey is far from linear.
I am nervous and excited to see what my journey looks like moving forward, but for now, I am happy that is brought me back here, and got me writing again.
I hope to share more with you soon!
...as always, I believe you!
In love, light & solidarity,
B.
*Disclaimer: I am NOT a Registered Psychologist, Sexual Assault Navigator Therapist or hold an accredited certification for mental health support. This is simply my journey and my journey alone that I hope will help fellow survivors feel supported*